The hilarious vampires from FX's What We Do In The Shadows have said some gut-busting lines throughout the years, but which ones are the funniest?

With three seasons and multiple Emmy nods, FX's mockumentary, What We Do In The Shadows proves to be one of the funniest shows on television right now. Thanks to the excellent writing, there’s no shortage of memorable quotes from everyone’s favorite Staten Island vampires.

The hilarious series has proven over and over again that powerful creatures of the night can get into absurdly comical situations. From Colin's deadpan humor to Laszlo's outrageous antics, the silly events on the show have resulted in some unforgettable lines.

Updated on October 22nd, 2021, by Hannah Saab: The recent release of the third season of What We Do In The Shadows has unsurprisingly attracted more viewers who can't get enough of the funny mockumentary. Aside from a few new hilarious quotes from What We Do In The Shadows' third season, the show's growing fandom has also highlighted some memorable lines from previous episodes. These quotes have been turned into various memes and fan art, cementing them as iconic and easily recognizable quotes from the series.

“Tonight Is A Good Night For The Other Guy, Not Me, To Die.” – Nandor The Relentless

As part of one of the strange unspoken rules of What We Do In The Shadows' scariest creatures, Nandor is nominated to fight a werewolf in order to maintain The Truce, which has been around for decades. Nandor, who’s also referred to as The Relentless, is chosen for his experience and perhaps his naivety.

As the night of the fight approaches, Nandor tries to set the mood for the event with some eerie phrases. Unfortunately, “tonight is a good night to die” doesn’t sit right with Guillermo, not wanting his master to die. In order to make things much clearer, Nandor adds a "not me" to the quote, making it ridiculously funny and awkward at the same time.

“I talked To Rob, He Didn’t Wanna Come. He Wants To Leave It Behind.” – Evan The Immortal Princess Of The Undead

The Trial still remains as the show’s most legendary moments thanks to the slew of cameos by actors who’ve previously played vampires in other films and series. Sadly, Rob wasn’t among the council, as he just wanted to “leave it behind.”

This was a clever nod to the fact that Robert Pattinson has been extremely vocal about his distaste for the Twilight films. However, now that Pattinson is playing Batman, he has no choice but to appear. He can’t be a sparkling vampire and then a man who dresses up as a bat and not make a cameo on the show – it practically writes itself. 

“This Is Not A Joke!” – Nandor The Relentless

After going through his email, which he has not checked in years, Nandor finds a chain email claiming he has now been cursed. Since Nandor clearly isn’t tech-savvy, he takes this very seriously and doesn’t know that this was an internet trend back in the day.

He says multiple times throughout the episode that this is not a joke. After all, the email states it. Nandor and his housemates then spend the rest of the episode frantically trying to find email addresses to forward the curse to. It's a hilarious way to reinforce one of the running gags in What We Do In The Shadows where it's understood that the vampires are totally disconnected from modern technology.

“One Human Alcohol Beer, Please.” – Jim The Vampire

As Jackie Daytona (Laszlo) states, he’s just a regular human bartender. Vampires clearly need to let this be known multiple times to maintain their cover. It doesn’t make them sound suspicious whatsoever.

The best of these comes from Jim The Vampire. He enters Daytona’s bar, completely dressed from head to toe as a vampire. Still, as long as he orders one “human alcohol beer,” then his true vampire nature should remain a secret. Of all the guest appearances on the show, Mark Hamill as Jim is by far the most memorable. 

“One Of The Best Ways To Drain People’s Energy Nowadays Is Via The Internet.” – Colin Robinson

As an energy vampire, constantly irritating people online is a surefire way to stay full. What better way to achieve that than pissing people off on social media? Turns out, Colin Robinson is a certified online troll who lives in a basement. 

What’s funny is just how true the Colin Robinson quote and situation is. Anyone who has ever dealt with an online troll knows exactly what it feels like. The next time viewers of the show get a potential troll comment, they'll know not to engage with it. It could very well just be an energy vampire on the other end.

“All I Know Is I Haven’t Had A Whiff Of Wu Or Tang.” – Laszlo Cravensworth

There were so many perfect one-liners during the Théâtre des Vampires but the best has to be from Laszlo’s consistent disappointment with the performance, especially the lack of nudity. Narrating the entire re-enactment, legendary vampire Vladislav throws in some clever rhymes to keep things fresh.

Laszlo is none too impressed by the “bring da ruckus” line in the show but Colin can conclude that it's a Wu-Tang Clan reference. Well, Laszlo has evidently never heard of the 90s rap group as he just claims he doesn’t smell any “Wu” or “Tang.” 

“I Have Recently Re-discovered My Love For Topiary Sculpture. The Art Of Bush Manipulation.” – Laszlo Cravensworth

If there’s one thing fans can expect from Laszlo Cravensworth's quotes, it’s that the vampire can turn almost sentence into an innuendo. Before it’s eventually urinated on by a werewolf, Laszlo gives a hilarious walkthrough of his topiary sculptures or "bush manipulation" as he calls it. 

As expected from the lust-filled Laszlo, he has an entire section of hedges that are shaped like the female anatomy, resembling some of his most beloved women, including his lady wife Nadja and (for some reason) his mother. It’s the latter that gets ruined by a werewolf, which ends up starting a feud between the two species. 

"Vampire Sex Is Like Pizza In That Even When It's Bad It's Good. It's Designed To Be Enjoyed By 8 Or More People.” – Nandor The Relentless

Nandor, along with the rest of the gang, is so excited to have the privilege of hosting the BVO. There’s a lot of pressure to host this night. According to Nadja, all bats are actually just depressed vampires who have hosted poor orgies. 

Nandor takes it upon himself to let the audience of how great vampire sex is. He almost had it with the pizza comparison but that last line is a bit confusing. In his defense, he’s a vampire so he’s not allowed to actually eat pizza. He gets points for trying!

“There Is Nothing More Devastating Than Finding Out Your Husband Has Made [Adult Movies]... And It’s So Bloody Boring.” – Nadja Of Antipaxos

Laszlo revealing that he’s been an adult movie star since the film medium was invented is among one of the show’s most gut-busting moments that prompts a funny quote from Nadja. It’s hilarious seeing Nadja’s reaction to her husband's acting chops.

At first, she sounds as if she’s upset that her husband was a former adult actor, as many spouses would be. Except, Laszlo and Nadja aren’t your average married couple. She’s more upset that Laszlo’s films aren’t exciting whatsoever. Viewers can't be blamed for feeling bad for Laszlo during this scene, as he was so confident that his lady wife would find these incredibly seductive.

“I Will Always Be Just A Familiar To Them. Just A Schlub, Driving Around Brooklyn, With A Bunch Of Jars Full Of Semen.” – Guillermo De La Cruz

Poor Guillermo. His only goal in life has been to become a vampire. After about ten years as Nandor’s familiar, it doesn’t seem likely that he’ll ever get that chance. After a stressful encounter with some witches that leaves Guillermo with the short end of the stick, the familiar says a quote that perfectly sums up his personality.

When the witches attempt to painfully extract Nandor and Laszlo’s semen, Guillermo pitches the idea to just bring it to them in jars every so often. This is now what Guillermo’s life has become – he’s just a Familiar who delivers jars of semen to witches, all in the hopes of one day becoming a vampire. 

"I Don't Live To Drain, I Drain To Live." – Colin Robinson

Fans get a chance to see the full extent of Colin's powers when he unintentionally gets a promotion in the office. With his co-workers forced to laugh at his corny jokes and tolerate his awkward interactions, he has an unlimited pool of energy to draw from.

Colin reveals that this influence doesn't matter as much when others only see him as an annoying energy vampire, though. In a simultaneously moving and hilarious moment, he puts a spin on the popular quote "I don't live to work, I work to live." He thankfully remembers his mantra and goes back to normal after nearly draining his roommates to death.

"F*****g Guy." – Nandor The Relentless

The short but funny phrase, "f*****g guy," has quickly become synonymous with Nandor in the fandom. The vampire has said this line so many times throughout the series that it's impossible not to associate it with him.

Whether it's as a response to the side character Topher Delmonico coming back from the dead or to Colin Robinson startling him, Nandor uses the quote to express his surprise and irritation. The countless memes featuring the line are a testament to how catchy and effective it is as a catchphrase in the show.

"I Have My Trail Mix, Not To Eat, Of Course, But To Shove Into The Crevices Of The Seats." – Colin Robinson

Colin is beyond excited when Laszlo asks him to go on a road trip to anywhere in the world, to which he promptly responds that he'd love to see Buffalo. While preparing for their trip on Laszlo's old jalopy, Colin packs all the essentials.

The energy vampire shows the camera crew that he's carefully curated a playlist of 25 copies of "Hey There Delilah." He then pulls out a bag of trail mix, explaining that its sole purpose is to be stuffed into the seats of the car. The psychic vampire has truly mastered the art of annoying others in even the smallest ways.

"They Only Made Four. They Gave One To Henry Ford And Then He Gave His One To His Hero, Mussolini." – Laszlo Cravensworth

When Laszlo uncovers a hidden room in the Vampiric Council's library, he's ecstatic to find his old "Stutz-Laszlo," which has a storied past involving some important figures in history.

Laszlo's explanation of the jalopy's previous ownership is hilariously matter-of-fact, even when he links Ford to Mussolini, referencing Ford's historically fascist leanings. He seems especially proud of the fact that the car somehow runs on both "gasoline and coal," making the absurd vehicle's description even more hilariously nonsensical.

"That's Above My Paygrade." – The Guide

The Guide (also known as the Floating Woman) has been thrust into the spotlight as the vampire responsible for helping the Staten Island roommates adjust to their new leadership roles. Every scene centered on her is absolutely gut-busting, as she doesn't bother to hide her annoyance with the clueless vampires.

She seems to understand the scope of her job well, which unfortunately includes dealing with the water company and making sure the bureaucratic machine that is the Vampiric Council runs smoothly. When she starts to feel overwhelmed with her babysitting duties, she simply rolls her eyes and refuses to question her higher-ups' decision to let Nadja and Nandor take over. Her "paygrade" line has become iconic in the fandom, with most viewers welcoming the witty commentary that comes with her bigger role in the show.

NEXT: One Quote From Each Main Character In What We Do In The Shadows That Goes Against Their Personality