Kyle Macdonald on the sobering reality of drunk sex. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

Let's talk about bumpy cuddles.

We've all been there: the night is young, the drinks are going down a treat, your confidence is high and - ooh la la, that slightly mysterious lad in the corner is looking like a bit of you thanks to a couple of tequila shots.

Approximately two hours and a mediocre bang later, you're kicking them out of your bed (or vice versa) and quickly falling asleep only to wake up with a slight hangover, a ridiculously dry mouth and a bit of the Sunday Scaries, also known as that feeling of dread after a big night out.

You find yourself wondering, "did I actually enjoy that?" but the thought quickly fades as you waddle off to meet your pals for brunch.

It's only when you go to spill all the dirty details that you realise you don't remember much about your naughty rendesvous at all.

Welcome to the messy world of socially-lubricated, bumpy cuddles.

Those bottles of Soho Harry Rose - or beer, or gin, pick your poison - might seem more effective than a 50mL bottle of Durex but can actually be a problematic lubricant when it comes to sex.

Last week, an article in The Critic detailed how hook-up culture and binge drinking at the University of Otago is creating a lack of sober sex. It's something the author said is a huge issue and I think they're on to something, so it's time to address the vodka bottle in the room.

Is drunk sex a problem?

Before reading that article I would have told you, no and until the words "Haha gonna get drunk, go into town and find someone to sleep with" were staring back at me, I hadn't realised just how normalised it has become.

Which is the whole problem. It's the norm, but it probably shouldn't be.

So while The Critic did a great job highlighting how prolific drunk sex is, I'm curious to know what the impact of sex under the influence has on relationships, insecurities and ultimately, our emotions.

And there is only one person I trust to give me the honest answers here.

Once again, I've snuck into the DMs of psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Kyle Macdonald, to learn more about the cold, hard truth of drunk sex.

Questions with Kyle:

Q: What advice would you give people who feel the need to be intoxicated to have sex?

A: Be careful, mostly. It's worth challenging yourself if you feel like you "need" alcohol to have sex. Alcohol can help with nervousness or anxiety - it dis-inhibits us - but over time, alcohol also dulls feelings, and can decrease the emotional intimacy in sex, to the detriment of the relationship, both with our partner, but also ourselves.

Q: How can people overcome their insecurities – whether body image, confidence, intimacy etc, without resorting to alcohol?

A: I think it's important to build a relationship with a partner where we feel we can express all of this and feel loved and accepted. Sharing these vulnerabilities and building confidence happens in the context of a loving, accepting relationship builds intimacy - there is no "shortcut." Alcohol doesn't make the insecurities go away - it just masks them.

Q: Is alcohol-fuelled sex a protection mechanism?

A: Alcohol decreases anxiety and, in doing so, disinhibits. It can help us do things that we are feeling nervous about doing, but on the downside, it can also help us do things we may be unsure about - hence, regret.

Q: What are the advantages of sober sex physically, mentally, and emotionally?

A: Mostly it's about being fully present emotionally and being available to connect with our partner. It can also help physically as alcohol can reduce performance, cause erectile dysfunction, or inhibit orgasm.

Q: How does drunk sex damage a relationship

A: Sometimes, it can help, and be a lot of fun, especially in a trusting, committed relationship. But it's all about balance. If you feel you need to be drunk to have sex, then it may be worth talking to your partner, or a therapist, about why sober sex is scary or a challenge for you. Sometimes it can be related to trauma. Sometimes, it can just be that being that open and vulnerable is hard. Either way, it's okay to ask for help and to talk about it.

If you take anything from this article let it be that you don't need to impose a liquor ban on bedroom activities in order to have a healthy sex life, but if you feel like you can only have sex with a bit of dutch courage, maybe it's time to find out why.